People of Springfield

Otto... If you look up "burnt-out" in the dictionary you might find a picture of Otto. Though frequently involved in random collisions, Otto remains true the Bus Driver's Pledge: "never crash the bus on purpose," and stands proudly by his record of fifteen crashes without a single fatality. But Otto is not just a schoolbus driver. His wide-ranging career includes stints as the Springfield Bloodmobile driver, Springfield Seniors Gambling Junket Bus driver, and operator of the Springfield Poolmobile. Otto has trouble with authority, beginning with his father, "the Admiral," and continuing to this day. Otto doesn't flout authority so much as unwittingly bump into it, which results in his feeling constantly hassled by "the man." Yet Otto has a warm rapport with the school kids.

Edna Krabappel... Edna Krabappel performs her job as adequately as possible, doing her best to supply her students with the minimal educational and experiential stimulus legally required by the Springfield Board of Education. Despite Edna's effort to streamline the amount of work required of her, she still finds it nearly impossible to carve out enough time for a cigarette break, and is usually reduced to smoking n the back of her classroom during the showing of educational films. Divorced and bitter, Edna is never one to refuse a possible "encounter" with the opposite sex. Her desperation has led to more than a few unlikely relationships, including one with the fictional "Woodrow," a character invented by Bart Simpson in response to a personal ad Mrs. Krabappel took out in the classifieds. Another relationship was with Principal Skinner. Please don't ask Edna about it.

Principal Seymour Skinner... Also known as "Spanky" and "Skinny Boy," Principal Skinner rules the hallowed halls of Springfield Elementary with an iron fist, if only in his mind. In reality, he is the frequent butt of jokes in the teachers' lounge, a constant target for Bart Simpson's schoolyard pranks. When not conducting fire drills, augmenting the school lunches with shredded newspaper, polishing the statue of the school mascot, or calculating detention time for Bart, Skinner can be found at his desk, reliving, through vivid flashbacks, the more horrific moments of his experience as a Green Beret in 'Nam. Though he still lives at home with overly-protective mother, and purportedly wears a toupee, Seymour has managed to eke out a meager romantic life. On one occasion he became enmeshed in a scandalous affair with Edna Krabappel, while on another he proposed to Patty Bouvier. When Patty, turned him down, the broken-hearted Skinner remained steadfastly optimistic, declaring, "Tomorrow is another school day!"

Groundskeeper Willie... On the surface, Groundskeeper Willie is a surly, gruff, hot-tempered sort of a fella, and what you see is what you get. As far as this shaggy-haired, thickly-accented Scotsman is concerned, manners are for bath-taking, underpants-wearing, lily-huggers. Willie would rather wrestle a wild Alaskan timber wolf than set down to a high tea. At the faintest sign of trouble, Willie rips off his shirt and hurls his rippling muscular body into the fray. Crediting his remarkable build in part to his diet, Willie vigorously promotes the eating of haggis. While Willie regards Principal Skinner as nothing more than a "silk-wearin' croquet-playin' buttercup," he takes pride in performing the tasks Skinner sets for him. In addition to his regular groundskeeping at Springfield Elementary, these include chasing stray dogs through the air vents, watering down the orange drink for extra profits at school functions, and substitute-teaching French class in his own sensitive way: "Bonjour, you cheese-eatin' surrender-monkeys." Willie's personal life is as rocky and desolate as his native land. While it is true that his was once engaged to magical British nanny, Shary Bobbins, she dumped him immediately when her eyesight returned. Since then, he has spent the bulk of his private time secretly videotaping couples in their cars.

Ned Flanders... The Good Lord has been very good to Ned Flanders, thank you very much. Not only was he blessed with his lovely wife, Maude, but together they raised two special little Christian Soldiers, Rod and Todd. Sadly, the Lord took Maude from Ned in a tragic NASCAR accident and now Ned must raise his boys alone. He lives in one of the best-kept houses in Evergreen Terrace, and the Leftorium, his left-handed-only retail business, is booming. There isn't much for Ned to complain about. Except for his neighbor, Homer Simpson, and all of his swearing on the other side of the fence. Oh, and there's Reverend Lovejoy, who's devout but, well sir, not quite pious. And, well, there's always the traumatic memories of Ned's childhood, during which he was raised by overly tolerant beatnik parents who fostered creativity and independence in their boy. Other than that, Ned can't really complain. Everything is pretty okilly-dokilly.

 Wanna hear my favorite song?  Okilly-dokilly-do!  

Maude Flanders (R.I.P.)... Maude was a woman of many gifts: faith, chastity, charity and the most come-hither eyelashes in the town of Springfield. Happily married to Ned Flanders, she was the proud mother of Rod and Todd, in whom she had instilled her unwavering piety. While she did not work, Maude was a busy homemaker and a tireless advocate for the children of Springfield, whose innocence is so often soiled by the evils of cartoon violence, liberal education and the insidious influences of popular culture. Even though she spent much of her free time in prayer and reading the Bible, Maude was known to let her hair (and her neckline) down for the occasional dinner party at the home of her neighbors, the Simpsons. Then she died in a terrible accident.

Rod Flanders... Rod prays. He prays first thing in the morning and last thing before bed. He prays for God to watch over him and his little brother, Todd. He prays for the success of his father's business. He also prays for all of the naughty little boys and girls, like his neighbor Bart Simpson, who are too bad to pray for themselves. Aside from praying, Rod enjoys playing wholesomely with his brother and eating lots of nachos, Flanders-style ("That's cucumbers with cottage cheese!"). His one regret is that he cannot pray at school.

Todd Flanders... Todd is the youngest and most impressionable member of the happy Flanders clan. When exposed to profanity (for example, from over the fence as Homer Simpson curses his way through mowing the lawn), little Todd starts to curse a blue streak himself. Chalk it up to immaturity, or relentless sheltering by his parents, Ned and Maude--whenever Todd comes into contact with anything outside of his family and their pious ways (like the time he was tricked into eating a Pixie Stick by Bart Simpson), he seems to get nasty. Todd's proudest moments have been when he tied Bart in the mini-golf championship and when he played Jesus in the Springfield Christmas Pageant.

C.Montgomery Burns... Springfield's richest man, built his atomic energy fortune from the ground up after inheriting his father's atom-splitting factory. As owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, he has been able to control local elections, manage a championship-winning baseball team, hold a chair on the board of Springfield University and build a contraption large enough to block out the sun and plunge the town into complete darkness. After a near-fatal shooting by Maggie Simpson and a brief bankruptcy almost ended his empire, Mr. Burns returned to the seat of power where he resides to this day. More misunderstood than evil, Mr. Burns may possess unparalleled power in Springfield, but he can barely lift a baseball bat. His hobbies include money fights with his assistant, Waylon Smithers, cultivating a wardrobe made entirely of innocent animals' pelts and courting some of Springfield's most eligible seniors like Jacqueline Bouvier (otherwise known as Marge Simpson's mother).

Waylon Smithers... How many people can say they love their jobs as much as Waylon Smithers? As the personal assistant to C. Montgomery Burns, Smithers enjoys an intimacy with power that most people will never experience. His responsibilities include driving Mr. Burns, peddling him on a tandem bike, cleaning and maintaining his denture collection (including Burns' prized fang dentures) and calling employees into Burns' office to be fired. Outside of work, Smithers spends his time collecting Malibu Stacy dolls, using his computer (with its Mr. Burns screensaver) and going on vacation at men's singles resorts. His greatest ambition is for Mr. Burns to respond to his loving devotion; short of that, he'd like to own the latest life-size Malibu Stacy outfit.

Moe Szyslak... One of the most closely guarded secrets in Springfield is Moe the bartender's last name. It's Szyslak, he'll tell you, but why the hell are you asking? Even more closely guarded are details of Moe's personal life. Outside of pulling taps at Moe's Tavern, the bartender seems to spend at least part of his time at the shooting range (he's a charter member of the Springfield Gun Club) and bowling with his league team, the Pin Pals. No one knows how Moe has managed to keep his bar open all these years--most nights there are only three or four regulars, and his efforts to change the place into a family restaurant failed on account of his uncontrollable rage. But many suspect that he is still receiving residual checks from his stint as a child actor on the Our Gang show back in the '40s. Moe was the ugly kid.

Barney Gumble... Barney Gumble could've been somebody. A prodigious student with his sights set on Harvard, he could've been a contender instead of a bum, which is what he is. But say what you will about Barney, he's a man who knows love--love for beer. Barney has been known to drink beer directly from the tap, out of used ashtrays and from other places you probably don't want to know more about. He also knows success: In between lengthy sits on his regular bar stool at Moe's Tavern, Barney sang for the Be Sharp a-capella group, directed and starred in an award-winning film shown at the Springfield Film Festival, owned and operated his own snow-plowing business, became an astronaut and, during one of his few lucid periods, dated Linda Ronstadt. In addition to these exciting jobs, Barney has also worked as a leaflet-distributing big baby and sold his sperm to the Springfield Sperm Bank. Oh, and he drank beer. Lots of beer.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon... Apu seems to work at the Kwik-E-Mart 24 hours a day, seven days a week. But please don't be thinking it's only work that Apu is having on his mind, my goodness, no! He manages to spend some of his free time with his wife Manjula and his brother Sanjay. Apu peddles the usual Kwik-E-Mart fare (at remarkably high prices): luscious heat-lamp dogs, chewy frozen microwave burritos, and the ever popular squishee. Apu himself doesn't eat any of this stuff himself since, in keeping with his Hindu beliefs, he is a strict vegan. To Apu's great disappointment, his attempt to bridge the gap between East and West with tofu dogs, curry crullers, and chutney Squishees met with resounding disinterest from customers.

Chief Wiggum... Clancy Wiggum is the chief of the Springfield Police Department, the long, pudgy arm of the law. After battling acne and asthma during his childhood and adolescence, Chief Wiggum grew (and grew and grew) into the imposing man that he is today. His two greatest successes as a crime fighter were solving the attempted murder of C. Montgomery Burns by Maggie Simpson (a dream led Wiggum to the main clue), and the capture and arrest of Sideshow Bob after he kidnapped the Simpson family and crashed their houseboat. Wiggum's greatest success as a man is his son Ralph Wiggum, a special little boy who plays with special little friends, none of whom are visible to anyone else. Other than that, Wiggum considers it a success if he can even get out of bed in the morning. If that doesn't tire him out too much, he might even fight some crime.

Dr.Hibbert... Dr. Julius Hibbert likes to laugh. He has a sweet, infectious giggle that wafts through the examining rooms of his private practice and through the halls of Springfield Hospital. He usually laughs when offering his diagnoses to patients, which leads some people to think him a bit insensitive. But he's just a happy guy. A very happy guy. Dr. Hibbert has two kids and supportive wife. He is known throughout Springfield as the best doctor money can buy. Unless you have no money, in which case you'll be seeing Dr. Nick Riviera.

Krusty the Clown... Hershel "Krusty the Clown" Krustofski has experienced a number of very high highs and very low lows in his long career as one of Springfield's most beloved performers. He has won awards, the acclaim of legions of young fans and millions of dollars through lucrative Krusty Brand products and endorsements. But these successes have come at a great cost: Krusty has been arrested for armed robbery (he was acquitted when it was proven that he was framed by a disgruntled sidekick), he's filed for Chapter 11 and seen his estate sold at auction, and he's had to experience a painful estrangement from his father, who wanted Krusty to be a rabbi. Perhaps it's no surprise then that on his way to the top (and to the bottom and to the top again) Krusty suffered a heart attack that forced him to wear a pacemaker. Through good times and bad, Krusty has approached life with his wide, engaging smile. Mostly because the smile is painted on.

Sideshow Bob... You might not be able to tell it from his narrow frame, but "Sideshow" Bob Terwilliger has one huge chip on his shoulder. After years of being Krusty the Clown's sidekick and foil for his sadistic antics, Sideshow Bob finally snapped and attempted--unsuccessfully--to frame his tormentor. After a stint in prison, Bob tried to reform by marrying Selma Bouvier (they divorced after he tried to explode her), murdering the Simpson family, running for mayor of Springfield and blowing up the town. One possible reason for Bob's hostility may be displeasure with his early career choices. An erudite, urbane scholar-type, Bob was never really cut out for Krusty's foolish gags and bits. He currently resides in prison, where he shares a cell with his equally brilliant and evil brother, Cecil.

Sideshow Mel... Not much is known about Sideshow Mel outside of his fondness for bones (worn in his hair) and his long-running career as Krusty the Clown's sidekick. Mel rose to prominence on The Krusty the Clown Show after Sideshow Bob was arrested for robbing the Kwik-E-Mart. (Sideshow Bob, back in the day, got his job after Sideshow Raheem left the show for undisclosed reasons.) Mel's talents include playing the slide whistle and taking pies in the face.