Grampa Simpson... Not many people know that Abe
Simpson is a highly decorated veteran of the Second World War. Even fewer
people know that he is the inventor of the toilet and the man who made cats
and dogs hate one another. No one knows these things about Abe because no
one listens to him. In fact, they usually leave the room when he starts to
speak. Father of Homer Simpson, grandfather of Bart, Lisa, and Maggie, Abe,
aka Grampa, lives in the Springfield Retirement Castle where he enjoys soft
foods and company of his friends. Abe was lucky enough to briefly find success
in his retirement as a writer for the award-winning Itchy & Scratchy cartoon
series. That career came to an end when he publicly scolded the entire cartoon
industry at an awards show. He has won no awards since then.
Patty Bouvier... Patty Bouvier resents the suggestion
that her life is empty and boring. First, she has her sisters Selma and Marge,
but foremost, she has Richard Dean Anderson, aka MacGyver. She passes her
days as a clerk at the Springfield Department of Motor Vehicles, administering
eye exams and approving people for driver's licenses. She spends her nights
at home, watching MacGyver and smoking cigarettes. Many, many cigarettes.
Patty prides herself on being less desperate than her twin sister, Selma,
who has been married and divorced twice
Selma Bouvier... The only thing Selma Bouvier
hates more than her brother-in-law, Homer Simpson, is being single. She has
been married twice and, as luck would have it, divorced twice as well. First,
she married Sideshow Bob shortly after he served his prison term for framing
Krusty the Clown. The marriage ended amicably after Bob tried to blow Selma
up during their honeymoon. Her second marriage was to Troy McClure, whom you
might remember from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hula-ed and They
Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall. She married Troy in order to restore his reputation
after a scandal involving underage fish nearly ended the thespian's career.
Their marriage ended after Selma and Troy realized they neither loved nor
felt particularly attracted to one another. For now, Selma's most enduring
relationship is with Jub Jub, her pet iguana.
Santa's Little Helper... Santa's Little Helper
may not have been lucky for Homer Simpson at the racetrack one Christmas Eve,
but he sure has turned out to be one fortunate dog. Loved and doted on by
his owner, Bart Simpson, Santa's Little Helper enjoys the sort of life that
most dogs can only dream about: He belongs to a tolerant family who let him
tear up the furniture and eat from the table, he enjoyed a brief but fruitful
relationship with a lovely greyhound (together they had 25 puppies, all of
whom escaped being killed by Mr. Burns) and he earned a degree from one of
Springfield's most prestigious canine academies. Of course, life hasn't been
all milkbones for Santa's Little Helper: His legs were broken by Mr. Burns,
he was abandoned by the Simpson family for Laddie, a better-bred dog Bart
bought from a catalog, and he was forced to eat several pounds of fried bacon
when Homer briefly flirted with a career in grease harnessing. Santa's Little
Helper enjoys long walks with Bart, burying things in the backyard and begging
for food.
Snowball I...
A young Lisa Simpson cried and cried when her beloved first cat Snowball died.
Homer and Marge tried to fool her by replacing the deceased feline with an
identical one (thankfully, it was alive), but Snowball II could never fill
the void left in Lisa's heart. Like most cats, Snowball enjoyed playing with
yarn, petting, and coughing up large chunks of her own fur. While cause of
death is unknown, foul play has been strongly ruled out.
Snowball II... Snowball II is the scrappier,
livelier replacement for the Simpson family's first cat (may she rest in peace).
Snowball II has been known to dance upon a ball and perform minor tricks,
almost never within the sights of any family member. She has a comfortably
familiar relationship with Santa's Little Helper, the Simpsons' pet greyhound.
So comfortable, in fact, that the two of them have been known to cuddle and
pet one another when no one is watching. Like her namesake, Snowball II enjoys
yarn, petting sessions and, as ever, coughing up large chunks of her own fur.
Itchy & Scratchy... It's difficult to put your
finger on the exact formula for Itchy & Scratchy's success. Perhaps it's the
unbreakable bond that keeps these two together week after week on their award-winning,
highly-rated animated series. Perhaps it's the ingenuity of their interactions,
the brilliance of their improvisational dealings. Or maybe it's the carnage:
the violent, bloody, nasty ways they've figured out to hurt one another. Whatever
it is, it's kept an entire generation of Springfield's children in stitches
while causing a few to induce stitches from emulating their violent routines.
Bane of concerned parents everywhere, the Itchy & Scratchy Show is required
viewing for all children who love mice that hate cats.
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